My Self-Love Journey: Learning to Love Yourself First
Updated: 2 days ago
Last updated: October 18, 2026. Originally published November 12, 2025.
Up until my 30s, I couldn't really say I loved myself.
Self-love isn't only physical self-care. It is also emotional care, upholding boundaries, and learning to be compassionate with yourself. Psychologist Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as three practices: being kind to yourself instead of judging, remembering that struggle is part of being human, and holding painful feelings with balanced awareness.
Below is my story of loving others at my own expense, what I got wrong about love, and how you can begin choosing yourself.
Why couldn't I love myself until my 30s?
I couldn't love myself because I was so focused on loving others that I held little compassion for myself.
I didn't realize I was doing it. I held myself to a greater standard, to the point that any mistake was met with self-criticism and self-blame.
How many of you have been there? Trying to take on all the weight. Afraid that if you mess up even a little bit, everything else will fall apart.
What does over-responsibility look like?
Over-responsibility is taking on more than your share of weight, and it often looks good from the outside.
I was always there to help, always offering of myself, always kind. I was quick to brush aside another's misstep and forgive their harshness. Worse, sometimes I took it on as my fault. Yet I didn't give myself that same grace.
I ask myself sometimes: can I love myself even when it's inconvenient?
What do we get wrong about love?
We often confuse what love looks like as we grow up. I suppose I thought self-love was an innate thing. It should be, but the lessons we absorb along the way can bend it.
We think love means:
Bending to another's will and desires
Keeping the peace, no matter the cost
Being the nice one
People never getting mad at us
Those four beliefs kept me small. None of them is love.
What did loving myself look like this year?
This year I learned to love myself in a way I've never loved myself before. I loved the ugly parts I didn't want anyone to see. I let her be seen, let her speak, let her squirm with the discomfort of finally getting some time and light.
My self-love journey wasn't easy. I had to choose again and again to speak past the lump in my throat.
I had to choose to honor my need for space. I had to choose not being understood by others and being okay with it. I had to choose to show up for myself when my mind begged me to look away from the parts I'd kept hidden even from myself.
Why is self-love inconvenient and sacrificial?
Self-love is inconvenient and sacrificial, but not in the way we've been taught. It asks us to lay things down instead of giving more of ourselves away.
We will sometimes need to sacrifice perfectionism. We will sometimes need to sacrifice being liked. We will sometimes need to sacrifice (lay down) our knee-jerk reaction to repress the things we don't like.
We will need to lay down the weapons we've picked up and turned upon ourselves. Lay to rest the self-criticism, the demands for perfection, and the need for external validation.
What does research say about perfectionism and self-compassion?
Perfectionism has been rising among young adults. A meta-analysis by Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill covering 41,641 college students in the United States, Canada, and the United Kingdom found that socially prescribed perfectionism, the belief that others expect you to be perfect, rose 33% between 1989 and 2016. The authors raised the possibility that this may be affecting students' mental health, though they did not prove a cause. "A meta-analysis by Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill"
That study looked at students, not all women, but the pattern is familiar. The encouraging news is that perfectionism can shift. A 2015 systematic review and meta-analysis of eight studies in Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy found that psychological interventions produced large reductions in some forms of perfectionism and medium reductions in anxiety and depression among people with clinical disorders, though the authors say more research is needed. "Systematic review and meta-analysis of eight studies"
Self-compassion offers a counterweight. Neff's framework pairs self-kindness with the reminder that imperfection is shared, which is the opposite of self-blame. "Neff's framework"
How can you begin your own self-love journey?
Begin with one small, honest choice, not a total reinvention. Try one of these this week:
Name your self-criticism. Write down the sentence you say to yourself after a mistake. Then write what you would say to a friend.
Honor one need for space. Say no to one thing, or take 20 minutes alone. "What a day without input taught me about rest"
Let one hidden part speak. Journal, say it out loud, or tell someone you trust.
Lay down one weapon. Choose one demand for perfection and set it aside for the week.
Notice what is already good. "Finding wonder in ordinary moments"
If the criticism feels heavy or constant, consider support from a licensed therapist.
Can you love others fully without loving yourself?
You can love others without loving yourself, but your love will never reach its full potential or its deepest purity.
As much as we think we can love others without loving ourselves, that is the limit. Your truest self is begging for your love.
FAQs: Self-love and self-compassion
Q: What is self-love? A: Self-love is caring for yourself physically and emotionally, upholding boundaries, and treating yourself with compassion, including when you make mistakes. It is a practice you choose again and again.
Q: Why is self-love so hard? A: Many of us learn that love means keeping the peace, being the nice one, or never upsetting anyone. Choosing yourself can feel like breaking those rules, so it takes repeated practice.
Q: What is the difference between self-care and self-love? A: Self-care is often physical, like rest, food, or movement. Self-love includes it and adds emotional care, boundaries, and forgiveness for yourself.
Q: How do I stop being so hard on myself? A: Start by noticing your self-criticism, then respond with the kindness you would offer a friend. Small, repeated choices matter more than one big change.
Your invitation
So here is the call to learn to love yourself first. To love yourself deeply. To love yourself the way you have loved others, with grace, understanding, and a willingness to meet your own shadows.
What is one way you will choose yourself this week? I would love to hear.
With love, Nino
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